Why I Left My "Dream" Job

When I was 25 years old, I landed the job of my dreams as a television reporter for the NBC station in Miami. I was married to my high school sweetheart and we had just bought a house in an area we loved, not far from our family. Life was everything I had hoped it would be. Everything I wanted to accomplish by age 25 was checked off, and yet there was this emptiness that I still felt.

It was scary and gut wrenching to feel this emptiness. How could I feel like something was missing when I had everything that I had ever wanted? There’s this checklist of sorts that most of us seem to follow, right? We believe that once we land the right job, get married, buy the house-then, we’ll be happy. However, what happens when you check those things off? Sure, I was happy on the surface, but there was an emptiness deep within, that none of what I had or accomplished, was able to fill.

Left with nothing more I could do to fill it, I began to feel a great sense of sadness and disappointment in myself. How could I have all of this and still feel this way? I began to have thoughts of wanting to die.

No one watching me on television or my co-workers could have known that many days on my way to work, I would fantasize about crashing my car into a concrete pillar on the highway so I could die. It felt like an escape. What was I running from? I don’t know. Perhaps the empty feeling that I could not shake no matter what I purchased or what I accomplished in the hopes of filling that void.

I recall when news spread about the deaths of celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain and designer Kate Spade. They both died by suicide in 2018 within days of each other and people were stunned. How could they, many asked, they had everything?

I don’t presume to know what led to their deaths, but I can say that “having everything” doesn’t ensure happiness. In fact, I would say it’s more frightening to feel empty when your life appears so “full” in the eyes of outsiders. How can you explain your sadness, your emptiness, your hopelessness, your desire to take your life when you are “living the life” so many people desire?

As I look back on that time in my life, I now realize that much of what I was fed was a lie. True happiness has nothing to do with job titles, accomplishments or your salary. It has everything to do with living into your purpose and finding meaning.

It took me a long time to realize this. I was created for a greater purpose and so were you. We were created not just to accumulate, but to give. The way of the world will lead you on a path with lots of pretty things to keep you distracted. Each thing along that path comes with a promise to fill you, but once you get to the end, you realize that the path leads to a dead end. Those things fill you for a short period of time, but they can’t fulfill you in the long run.

I now know what that emptiness was that I was feeling. I didn’t have a connection with God at the time. I was too busy chasing my dreams to ever consider anything else. I believe there’s a place in each of us that could only be filled by God, and no matter what we try to fill it with, it will remain void because that space is meant for our Creator to fill.

Today, my life looks much different than it did when I was 25. I feel whole. I stopped chasing happiness. In fact, I found it when I finally stood still. Joy is not something you find outside of yourself. It’s something you discover within yourself.

If you’ve read this far, let me share one more thing. Don’t look to the “next thing” to fill you. Whether it’s your next shopping trip, your next job, your next relationship, your next house. Your life is not found in the “next,” it’s found in the now. Now is your time to embrace and be grateful for what you already have. Examine what sits well with your soul and what doesn’t. It’s not about becoming anyone, it’s about uncovering who you already are at your core. The "who" God created you to be. How do you know who you are…your true essence? It begins with knowing whose you are. Connect with the awesome power who created you. This path is marked with truth and ultimate fulfillment. It’s the life-giving path that although winding and uphill at times, will never lead you to a dead end.

NOTE: What I have shared above is my personal story. It is not intended as a statement about or advice regarding suicide or mental health. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. It's available 24 hours.